A Memory
by sandymg
Summary: Some things are worth remembering. Coda for S09X07 Bad Boys.


**Fic**: A Memory  
**Author**: sandymg  
**Beta**: borgmama1of5  
**Summary**: Some things are worth remembering. Coda for S09X07 Bad Boys  
**Spoilers**: Coda for S09X07 Bad Boys  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own Supernatural or any of its characters.

Sam wonders when it will stop being a surprise how much he doesn't know about his brother. In many ways, in the ways that count, he knows _everything_. He knows how much Dean's snark covers a world of hurt. Knows about the deeply-buried yearning every time Dean stares too long at the window of a lit-up house. Sam is aware of his brother's need for his family that cost them both so much.

Dean, who outwardly acted like their father – but was the farthest thing from him. And Sam, who rebelled in a fruitless attempt to deny the obvious, to negate how he and John were made of the same stubborn stock.

John's own father left and never came back at all, as far as John knew.

John left Dean for two months at a boys' reform camp.

And Sam left Dean for a year in Purgatory.

Yep, no mistake, Sam was pure Winchester through and through. Circumstance was a bitch in their family.

And yet, the hunt's revelations shocked. Not so much the reform school. Sounds exactly like the dick move John Winchester would have taken. But the girl. The look on Dean's face as he watched her in the diner. The secrets he'd buried so deep they had to crawl up from an abyss.

Amazing. It's not that Sam couldn't remember his first crush. After all, she had turned out to be a monster. Because that pretty much said everything you needed to know about Sam. Yet Sam'd been struck hard by Dean's self-consciousness around Robin, the innocence of a youth stolen at every turn.

What other hopes had Dean abandoned?

Robin pretended she didn't remember Dean. But Sam saw how she looked at him. Studying the changes, admiring the man he'd become. How little she could even guess about what happened to him. How Dean's very existence today leaves the word 'miracle' half a dictionary back.

They've been driving a good while in silence when Dean turns his head to catch Sam gazing at him.

"Man, you're thinking loud."

Sam chuckles. "Sorry. Was I keeping you up?"

He gets a huff at the lame joke and Dean's eyes return to the road. Sam isn't quite ready to let it all go. "So … Robin?"

"What about her?"

Sam is silent and Dean glances at him again. In reply, Sam raises an eyebrow.

"Shut up."

It's impossible not to smile. Okay, maybe it's more of a chortle. "She your first?"

He doesn't think Dean's gonna answer. Then there's a low, "No."

That's when Sam realizes that Dean misunderstood. He is well aware that Dean didn't lose his virginity to that girl. Dean's bragged of another girl, another time. Not too terribly long after those two months away.

Now Sam's mad at himself all over again. How dumb was he that he accepted his father's story of Dean getting lost. Well, accepted might be an overstatement. Basically, his father had threatened him with the kind of bodily harm that had still scared his twelve-year old self into wanting to pee himself when Sam hinted that he might run away to look for Dean himself.

And he hadn't.

Just like last year when Dean went missing. The irony of the similarity isn't lost on him.

"I'm sorry," he blurts out.

He can feel Dean's puzzlement although his brother's eyes stay on the road. " 'Bout what?"

"Back then. When you disappeared. I wanted to look for you myself. Set out planning just that but Dad … " Sam lets out a soft snort. "He said no."

Sam can feel Dean's eye roll. "Damn right he did. You were twelve, Sam."

John had taken him to Bobby's and said he had a job that couldn't wait and that Sam wasn't to worry, that John would find Dean. The weeks passed. Although he'd never gone to middle school in South Dakota before he had gone to the elementary school for a few months time. He'd recognized some of the kids from the school district.

As a child he hadn't questioned associating Bobby's with 'home' and he'd settled into the familiarity. Got used to it being just Bobby and him.

Still, every time his father called, Sam asked about Dean. Got a bunch of evasions for answers and Bobby wouldn't look Sam in the eye. He remembers now Bobby and John exchanging harsh, strangled words on the phone. But that wasn't new either. One thing they did agree on – Bobby also told Sam in no uncertain words when he'd first arrived that he couldn't be running off anywhere. Had said it was bad enough Dean'd gone missing.

Despite it being unwanted, Sam persists. "Just let me say I'm sorry, okay?"

"Whatever." There's a pause. "Besides, you weren't all wrong. Sonny was a good guy. A little like Bobby."

They drive on in silence as the miles pass. Sam doesn't know why he feels like he just has to know. It's a small thing after all. But it feels important. "Was she your first crush? I mean, first real person crush. You know, not Pamela Anderson."

"I guess. I dunno. Who cares?"

I do, Sam wants to say. He doesn't. Dean would dismiss it.

Sam's about to let it go. There isn't anything more to say about the incident. The farm is long behind them and they are heading back to the bunker. They are going home.

"She kissed me," Dean says softly beneath the engine's purr.

It takes Sam a blink to catch up. "Oh," he whispers just as soft. He doesn't know what to say. Feels the pressure of one-too-many discoveries pressing against his temples. Keeping his voice steady takes effort. "Sounds like a good memory."

Dean smiles slightly. "She was a nice girl."

If Sam had pursued his childish impulse back then. If he'd entrenched and made his father act differently, just to shut Sam up, then Dean wouldn't have had that kiss.

They have a ways to go, will have to stop to sleep as it's too long for a straight shot home. Dean has turned on the radio, a sign that he's done talking. Sam is alone with his memories, now filled with one more. One that's not even his.

But he's happy to have learned of it as he lets it burrow deeper and warm him while he sinks into the Impala's worn leather seat.

**_fin_**


End file.
